How to RSVP, Properly
The guest’s side of the invitation — when to reply, what to say, who is invited, and the handful of things that make a couple’s life much easier.
RSVP is short for répondez s’il vous plaît — “please reply” — and it is the one part of the wedding that a guest can make easier or harder for the couple. Every reply affects the seating plan, the caterer’s count and the bill; every missing one means a phone call from someone who has two hundred other things to do. Replying well is simple, and it is a real kindness.
Reply quickly
Answer within a week or two of the invitation arriving, and certainly before the date printed on the card. Couples need final numbers two or three weeks before the wedding, and they can’t give them until the last reply is in. If you genuinely can’t commit yet — a work trip that isn’t confirmed, a medical appointment — tell the couple that, and give them a date by which you will know.
Reply the way they asked
If there is a reply card, use it; if there is a website, use that; if they asked for an email, send one. Don’t reply by commenting on social media, and don’t tell the bride’s mother at a party and assume the message will reach the right spreadsheet.
On a printed reply card:
- Write your names on the line after the M, which is there for Mr., Mrs., Ms. or Mx. — or simply write your full names.
- Tick or write accepts or declines clearly.
- Fill in the number attending if there is a space for it, and never more than the number of people named on the envelope.
- Choose your meal, if asked, for each person.
- Add a line of your own if you like. So happy for you both is lovely. It costs nothing and couples keep these cards.
The stamp is already on the envelope. Post it.
The names on the envelope are the people invited — no more. “And guest” means a guest; “The Smith family” means the children.
Who is invited
The envelope is the whole answer. The people named on it are invited, and nobody else. Mr. and Mrs. Smith means the two of them. The Smith Family means the children too. Ms. Jane Smith and Guest means Jane may bring someone. If only your name appears, you are invited alone.
Please don’t ask to bring an extra person or your children when they aren’t named. The couple has almost certainly had to make painful choices to keep within a number, and asking puts them in the position of refusing you. If there is a real difficulty — you can’t travel without a baby who is still nursing, for example — ask kindly and privately, and accept the answer gracefully. The guest list guide explains the couple’s side of these decisions.
If you say yes
Come. A confirmed guest who doesn’t appear has cost the couple a meal, a chair and a place card, and the gap at the table is visible all evening. If something truly unavoidable happens — illness, a family emergency — tell the couple or a member of their family as soon as you know, not on the morning.
Read the invitation and the wedding website for the dress code, the start time and where to park, and plan to arrive fifteen to twenty minutes early. Wedding dress codes, decoded explains what each phrase means.
If you decline
Declining is perfectly fine, and no elaborate explanation is needed. Tick declines and, if you want to, add a sentence of warmth: We’re so sorry to miss it and will be thinking of you. If you’d like to mark the occasion, you can send a gift or a card, though a declining guest is under no obligation to do so. Registry and gift etiquette covers what is customary.
Changing your answer
From no to yes: ask before you assume. The couple may already have given your place to someone on the waiting list, or fixed the numbers with the caterer.
From yes to no: tell them the moment you know, apologize, and don’t make them chase you.
For the couple
If you are the ones waiting for the replies, see when to send the invitations for the timetable, including when to set the deadline and when to start calling.
Written and edited by the Today’s Weddings editors. How we research and check what we publish is set out in our editorial standards. Spotted something wrong? Tell us.
