The other day, I had a fascinating revelation. Being engaged has pushed me into a pre-marriage early mid-life crisis. Iíve even gone so far as to pull out the music that I listened to when I was twelve Ė Paula Abdul, Milli VanilliÖ You name it, I can be found dancing through my apartment to it.
And suddenly, I realized what was going on: I was trying to enjoy my youth while I still could. Somehow, as soon as that ring was on my finger, I felt my youth slipping away. Iíve even caught myself wearing wool cardigans! When, I wondered, did I get this old? Then I looked down, and there it was Ė that diamond ring.
Oh, no! I thought. Iím growing up! Iím getting married! Teenage waiters will soon be justified in calling me Maíam! Aaaarg! I canít do this! I made such a good young, single chick! Iím a Toys ĎRí Us kid, for crying out loud!
Just yesterday (well, more like last month), I was such a crazy, carefree girl (or at least thatís how I remember it). Then I looked in the mirror one morning, and I saw an old, fat woman in a cardigan sweater Ė a woman whose greatest concern at that particular moment was which flatware pattern would be more user-friendly.
Thus, in order to regress even more into a twelve-year-old state, I Ė like all other crisis-ridden brides-to-be Ė have started my pre-wedding diet.
As if I werenít stressed-out and miserable enough! Now Iím trying to find the perfect reception hall all by myself Ė without chocolate! Iíve eaten more bananas than I ever thought possible. And all of my meals contain a combination of the following ingredients: pasta, canned peas (cold), lettuce, curry, seasoned salt, and Fat Free Honey Dijon Salad Dressing.
But Iím convinced that, by the time I go on my honeymoon, Iíll look fabulous in some butt-baring shorts and a tiny little cropped top. And maybe Paul will even get arrested for illegally marrying a twelve-year-old (wouldnít that be cool?).
When I was in high school, I worked in a bridal shop, and I was always amazed by the brides who came in. They were all so crazed and frantic.
Suddenly, I understand completely.
** Will Jill waste away to nothing? Will she throw her TV from her second-floor apartment after seeing one too many Pizza Hut commercials? Will she find both a flatware pattern AND a reception hall? Stay tunedÖ **